My Vice Principal

It’s been a solid nine months that I’ve been working with my schools, acclimating myself to the daily life of a teacher.

And I think it’s about time that my good 'ole Vice Principal gets a blog post of his own.

Let me paint you a word picture (because an actual picture, while possible, would be outright cruel).

• He wears these hugee Napolean Dynamite glasses. If Wayne Slazinski used his machine to blow up the glasses to an enormous size.
• Throughout random times in the day, he likes to walk around the teacher’s room with his hands in his pants. No joke. Sometimes, he will lift up his shirt and bang on his belly like a drum. The first time, I thought it was a joke. I looked around at the other teachers, and they carried on as if this was just a normal, everyday thing
• He talks to himself. Loudly. I’ve learned that lots of people mutter to themselves here in Japan, but this guy takes it to a whole new level. If other people in the room are having a conversation, he’ll raise his voice so that no one else can speak. Then he’ll laugh at his own little joke, as if it was the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
• One of his favorite past times is to play detective. He’ll sit down in a teacher’s desk and then open folders, riffle through stacks of papers, peruse the contents of drawers. All the while, he will be gossiping with nearby teachers.

But really, the most important thing you should know about my vice principal is his IMPECCABLE English.

In the first semester, I tried my best to carry on conversations with him. They went a little like this…

VP: So, Japan. Like… you?

Me: Oh, yes I like Japan very much. I actu (cut off, mid sentence)

VP: Yes, yes. My son. Paperclip. Mmmhmm. Books. Sky.

Me: Oh really? Your son likes to read books? About skies and paperclips? That’s so interesting!

VP: Yes yes yes. Firefighter. Berry. And then the insestuance. Etoo… the nice is mmm.

Me: Ahhh…

Now it’s gotten to the point where I try to say as little words as possible in our exchange. I once told him “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand”. At this, he turned to the other teachers and said “Kanojo wa eigo wakatte inai” (literally translated: “She doesn’t understand English”). Well, I don’t know MUCH Japanese, but I sure as hell understood that.

Anytime he hears me conversing in English with another teacher, he will shout out random English words from his VP chair that literally have NOTHING to do with the conversation topic. IDEAR! RUN! LIGHT! BOOK!

Once, he initiated conversation with me… then did an about FACE in the middle of my response. Like, what was the point of that?!? He acts like a child and the insane part about it all is that the teachers don’t even bat an eye!! Is this normal Japanese behavior?!?

I’m telling you. Tina Fey herself couldn’t make this stuff up. And I adore Tina Fey. 

Not sure if I like her or Liz Lemon better...

See you tomorrow, minions.